Random Rubber Bands

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

The Doctor

Yesterday afternoon on the 2nd of January my boyfriend and I had an appointment to see a doctor who has an office in Le Marais. Unlike in the US, you can get a next day appointment and don't have to wait four to six weeks for one like we do in Reno. Also, this doctor was one that my boyfriend was familiar, although it had been ten years since he had seen him. He used to see this doctor for HIV testing often, and they had conversations about how it was impossible for him to get HIV when he wasn't actually sexually active, so he had some rapport, and that was important. Still, my boyfriend was nervous, and wasn't sure what exactly he wanted to talk about. Over lunch that afternoon, we talked about the visit later that afternoon and what both of our expectations were of it.

I was mostly interested in a referral from the doctor because I'm not completely convinced that this is truly a physical issue for my boyfriend. Evidence suggests that he's not asexual although we long fell back upon that as an explanation. Instead, he seems to be normally sexual, even if on the low interest side. This sexuality is strong enough to drive him to continue engaging in voyeuristic activities, such as the ones he had for the past couple of months, so it is present. If he were asexual, he wouldn't be doing those things.

My boyfriend, however, was more concerned in how the conversation might look, and was wondering if there were things that could be prescribed that might increase his sex drive. I shook my head, I'm pretty sure there aren't. If there were, pharmaceuticals would make a killing, but aphrodisiacs are generally snake oil or only in one's head anyway. He asked about Viagra. I said no, Viagra that will help a person stay erect once that person is excited, but if you have too much in the way in your head you get muddled, and then it won't help you either. Then he said surely Cialis will. I told him that I'm pretty sure that they both are the same thing.

We agreed that we'd find out during the appointment. In the meantime, we talked about the 'Mother' that seems to have so much control over my boyfriend. He struggles with his live mother, and then this archetypical Mother which seems to have planted itself firmly in his head. The archetype apparently is the one that's so difficult to deal with because he never gets away from it, and while the live one can be difficult, at least he can walk away from her if he needs to. With the live one in close proximity, however, she and the archetype both seemed to have re-taken control over his life. I had a suspicion that that was going to happen when he moved back to Paris. There are so many things that he's afraid of, including and especially losing his real mother. Of course he has that fear, we all do, unfortunately his has become so debilitating that it has taken control of his behavior with not only her, but the rest of his life, including me.

But we both knew that already.

Hopefully the doctor could tell us something new. He's apparently a gay Londoner who has integrated himself into Paris. In Reno, gay doctors are all but invisible. Actually, they are invisible. I'm pretty well connected, and I don't know of a single gay general practitioner in Reno. And I've been looking a long time because I need to find one for myself. Straight doctors simply don't understand the issues involved in gay relationships in general in terms of applications to health, and it's especially poorly fitting when trying to honestly discuss the concerns involved with having an open relationship. They always want to focus on the sexually transmitted diseases, specifically HIV, and yes, while those issues are important, there are many other important things as well that they completely neglect. Including general physical health, psychological health, and other unique issues that are specifically important to gay men.

I find that I avoid my doctor at home, even though I'm the honest no fear type when it comes to talking about my health, anal or otherwise, because I'm sick of getting 'that look' from my doctor, and every other doctor I've met when trying to find a new practitioner.

Back to the doctor in Paris, however. Unlike offices in the US that are expansive, the doctor here had little more than an extended closet which consisted of two rooms. A waiting room and a patient intake room - which included a small but functional patient bed. In the waiting room, there were Robbie Williams cd's strewn about the end table, which I found rather funny. The two of us waited for about 15 minutes in the waiting room alone after he had let us into the office, since he was on the telephone with what seemed to be another client. He then offered us a seat in the intake room, but unfortunately there were only two chairs. My boyfriend and the doctor sat on those, and I chose a little step stool that he had stored under the patient bed to perch on, instead of opting for the patient bed itself. I noticed that he was wearing these flair suede pants and a tight sweater, something a doctor would never wear in the states. France is so fashion conscious, it's, um, distracting. As was the fact that the doctor took at least 7 calls in the 40 minutes that we were there to see him. I gather a small office comes without a secretary.

After the doctor asked about the reason for the visit, my boyfriend began to talk. Initially nervous, he soon shrugged that off and began to tell his story. The doctor then looked at me. "Is that your take too?" I concurred, although I reiterated that this sexual differential was not a new development and that my boyfriend's sex drive seemed to be low-normal, but that the struggle seemed to come from his head, not from any actual physical limitations.

We also talked about what we've been doing to cope in the past year, or rather, more specifically, mostly what I've been doing. "I should think so," the doctor said without skipping a beat, "If you don't find some sexual outlet, you probably would have ended the relationship long ago. I'm surprised that you've lasted this long together after what you both have talked about."

I looked at my boyfriend in a bit of shock. I was expecting some reproach or even a question to my boyfriend how he felt about the fact that I was sleeping with other people. He looked back at me, one eyebrow raised.

"I gather that you must have more patience than most," he looked at me. I nodded, not quite sure how to respond. "In fact, after about four years," the doctor continued, "sex usually diminishes in couples, but since the two of you seems never to have really had a good sexual relationship in the first place, it's important that you establish one now. We'll see what we can do."

"You've tried testosterone, and that didn't work," he said referred to a statement my boyfriend had made earlier during our recount of our relationship. "And you need something to control your anxiety. I shouldn't recommend this, but have you tried ecstasy? That would lower your inhibitions."

We looked at each other. "No!" we said simultaneously.

"Well I'm not supposed to recommend that, but you wanted me to indicate something that would lower you inhibitions." The doctor, shrugged, "Aphrodisiacs are non-existent, and Viagra or Cialis only will keep you erect, but if the problem isn't there, and I gather it's not, then you need something specifically to lower those inhibitions of yours. That seems to be your problem."

We continued looking at each other, and we both started laughing. "We've tried poppers," I said, but that didn't help much either.

"No, I would think not."

"But other things," my boyfriend added, "I've never tried any other drugs, and nor has he" in reference to me.

I piped up. "The U.S. is pretty hard on such things anyway. Did you know that you can go to prison longer for drug use than for murder over there?"

"That's why I'm in France," said the doctor, "You can find anything you want in Britain too."

"Huh." My boyfriend and I looked at each other again. We laughed again. "What about other things?" I asked.

"I can prescribe Xanax." He reached for a prescription tablet. "It can be a downer or speedy, depending on the person, but it may help you relax a bit. It will take some time to work though. Prozac can be too much of a depressant, and you don't need that." He then went on about other psychotropic drugs that probably wouldn't help at this point, but might be options later depending on how the initial prescription turned out. "In the meantime, I want to see you both in ten days. Will you still be here then?" he asked, referring to me.

"And don't forget to call the psychologist," he continued, "He's pretty good, but if he doesn't work out he can refer you to someone else who will be better for you. It'd probably be better if you started right away, so that he can meet the both of you so that you can both guide him in the direction you want to go with this before you leave again, and [your boyfriend] begins to work in earnest."

"Are you alright?" I asked as we were exiting the building. "How do you feel about seeing him?" in reference to the doctor. "What do you think about this, is it what you were expecting?" I've learned that my boyfriend likes lots of ancillary support questions, and although difficult for me because I feel like I'm coddling him, it seems to work in a positive way, so I do it regardless of my own private reservations. He assented that this visit was good, and although this visit hadn't necessarily solved anything (did either of us really think it would in one stroke?), it was a good start. I agreed, and thanked him for moving forward with this. I know that it's hard for him to confront these issues, especially because they are so wrapped up in his self-esteem and self-worth... but he's doing it anyway. And this visit for him was really for me. I have no allusions otherwise, and I really do appreciate that he's willing to put his pride aside so that perhaps we can build a better relationship. That takes a lot of committment to do what my boyfriend did, and I most certainly appreciate it.

2 Comments:

At 9:57 PM, mile high said...: Intriguing. I'm impressed action was taken so quickly. Talking about the issue one day and confronting it with a third party the next is wonderful, and I hope that you can continue to make small steps while there to change the course of your relationship. I am hopeful that, with the little insight you gain between now and then, Rome may open a new door, at least for a little more exploration. There is a lot of work ahead of you. I am excited the very beginnings of a new path are being layed before you.
At 9:03 PM, Betty said...: Wow! I want to move to France and go to this doctor. I can't imagine a US doctor being so approachable. Good luck