I'm a gay man in Reno, Nevada. I started blogging to keep a record of what I've been up to away from home. My boyfriend is
an unrepentant asexual, and celibacy through monogomy isn't an option (and I was celibate with him for over a year). I'd like to be monogamous,
but it just isn't working out.
Why?
Why is it that when things begin to move smoothly and everything starts to seem wonderful, something has to come out of left field and fuck everything up worse than before? I'm trying not to overreact, and trying not to overreact means that I've spent the last 36 hours in bed sleeping, or staring at the ceiling trying to sleep.
Some time ago, I had a conversation with the boyfriend about him seeing other people. I thought that this might help us get through this sexual differential more easily and would help us perhaps discover each other more, especially since it was important for him to become more comfortable with his body. I'm not sure if I mentioned on the blog that he did do what was suggested, he started seeing other people. Coupled with this though was that we were supposed to talk about it, just as I bring up regularly what I'm doing and reassessing with him, I naively thought that he'd do the same.
He hasn't, and I've talked to him over the phone a few times where I'd get this gut feeling that I've interrupted something. When that has happened, conversations were generally terse (him towards me) and the conversation was generally quite short. I'd then call him back the next day and gently press, trying to figure out if I was correct in my assumption. He'd be flustered, then say I was right, and then ask how I knew. I'd tell him that I had a feeling and leave it at that. Every so often though, I'd add that it was important for him to talk about this with me on his own, without me having to ask, because that was important for our communication and viability of our relationship, just as I have done with him.
A couple of months later, I somehow found myself in the position where I felt that I had to press again. He told me that he was seeing two people, both of whom are single. After prodding him to keep the conversation going, he admitted that while both knew I existed, both were trying to get him to leave me so that they could pursue a deeper relationship with him. I was taken aback, and I reminded him of my story. I am with people who are in relationships so that there is none of this emotional tug-of-war. We have some fun, meet needs that aren't otherwise being met, then go our separate ways to our own homes. For me, I told him, doing otherwise would violate our agreement because I am emotionally bonded to my boyfriend, no one else. He agreed, and he said that he would try other things.
He did drop one of the two men he was seeing. Apparently that person became more and more clingy, and demanded more and more from my boyfriend while trying to drive a wedge between us. My boyfriend realized that this was toxic, and wisely moved on.
The other guy, however, he didn't drop. I was concerned, because he too had tried to pursue a deeper emotional relationship with my boyfriend, but I trusted my boyfriend's judgement. I also hoped that perhaps this guy from New Zealand would help my boyfriend come to terms with his body and be able to bring that confidence home to share. I talked to him about this, but my boyfriend always was embarrassed and evasive about this, so I brought the conversation up less and less.
The last time that my boyfriend was here for 10 days in late May, not only did we not talk about him and what he was doing, even though I shared with him, but he didn't even try to attempt intimacy with me. I tried once, was then told that he was too tired, and then it was ignored. I tried to talk about it, but he didn't want to do so, and so I dropped the conversation. At that point I was way to fragile to be shot down, either through conversation or attempt at intimacy, so I let things as they were. So while he was in Reno with me, nothing happened. Nothing was really said, and while I was so happy that I could hold and hug him, we never went any farther.
Fast forward to this past week. I was calling my boyfriend daily, as per our usual arrangement near 10 a.m. or so, his time in Paris. He'd call in the evening, I'd call in the morning. These past few mornings when I'd call, I've either woken him up - and he was terse, or he was always in a hurry to get me off the phone. He was fine when he'd call me later, but the mornings were suddenly very strange. I chalked it up to stress, because he's been trying to get some communication from potential job prospects. However I called a bit later than usual, because I had a specific question... and he wasn't at home. I got his mother, and she said he was out. No problem, I thought, I'd just try his cell phone.
And I caught him sleeping. He was confused. I was confused, and asked him where he was. He in his sleep confusion said that he had moved out of his mom's place and was staying at his friend's place down the street. I asked him how long he had been staying there, and he told me about a week. There is only one friend who lives down the street, one of the guys he was messing around with, the other guy who was adamant about starting a relationship with him. As calmly as I could, I asked him if he was staying at this guys place. He said yes. And then not so calmly, I asked him when he was planning on telling me.
He woke up suddenly, realizing that he had said too much, but now wasn't prepared for the conversation. He started stuttering, stating that I wasn't supposed to find out, which suddenly made the conversation take a turn for the worse. Have you moved in with him for good, I asked mildly hysterically. "I don't know," he moaned, "I'm not sure what I'm doing right now."
I didn't take that well. I was very flustered and I told him in my irrationality that I didn't want him to call me for a while and then I told him that I had to hang up, and did. And then I started crying. Uncontrollably. He had broke our one cardinal rule, don't get emotionally attached to others. He did, and now suddenly I was faced with losing him. I am losing him. I've already lost him.
He called back but I didn't answer. In the message he told me that he is really confused and not sure what he is doing. He told me that I was right, he was with this guy, but he was concerned about our relationship and that because I've trying to make him somebody he's not (aka sexual) that I made him think that I didn't want to be with him anyway because he wasn't meeting my standards. He then said that this guy understands him better sexually, but he is just really confused right now.
I cried harder after that.
He hasn't called me and now it has been over 36 hours. I know I told him I didn't want him to call, but I realize I didn't mean it. I've been telling myself that when he calls back, it will all just blow over. I keep telling myself that if he really still did love me, he'd keep trying to call back. I've stared at the phone and my email, waiting for him to call again and he hasn't. I am pining after him, thinking about all the things that I had done wrong, blaming myself for all of this. And he still didn't call. And then I started to write. I don't know what I'm going to say to him when he does. I don't know how to feel right now. I just want to be angry and sad and desperate all at the same time. I want to demand why, and I really don't want to know. I want to ask him why he felt like he couldn't have just been honest about all of this in the first place and why he let me find out the way I did.
I want to know why he hurt me so much, and what made him think that it was okay to do that. I want to know why he crossed that line we had so vividly drawn in the sand, even though he had all the opportunity in the world to talk this through with me. I want him to tell me that this has all been a mistake and I just misunderstood. I want to hate him. I want to forgive him. I want to love him. I want him to love me.
I want to know why he left me.
posted by Tildar @ 10:57 AM
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